I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
