Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
