I must be too annoying 4 u.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
