If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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