He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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