I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
