mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
