I could have mohawked her pubes.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
