he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
