If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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