A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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