umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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