I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
