You just made me feel so damn special
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
