theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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