genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize