The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
