I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
