i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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