Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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