I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
