I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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