Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
