Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
