I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
