I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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