His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
