I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
