Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
