Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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