why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
