you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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