my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
