awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
