the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I want her autograph on my taint
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
