i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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