Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
