Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
