seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
