I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
