theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
