Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize