have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
