One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
