remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think my moral compass just broke
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