I could have mohawked her pubes.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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