I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
