you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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