note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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