i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
