we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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