Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
where am i from again
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
