you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
