at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
