Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize