I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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