I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
