Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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