You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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