Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
