Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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