I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Is it because I queefed?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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