I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
