I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
