Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
